I think you should try to talk to God, leave those thoughts to Him. It is not given by him, he is there to forgive, and it is up to us to sincerely repent and dedicate ourselves to him and faith. What you can do is replace those sins with something else. I also know what pain and feeling you are going through, but I also know that God is a great love and hope above all. And I think that no matter how much you sin, if you are honest with God as much as with us, He will forgive you everything directly and that He will lead you to the right path. Do not give up, pray, praise God. Let his word accompany your day and your life. It's never too late to turn to him, in fact, I believe that he cares and that every step has its own destiny. Never give up, just surrender your pain and your thoughts to Him. What helped me in that was when I was in the worst condition, I would go somewhere on a lying swing, enter into prayer and open my heart and soul, I would say everything that was on my mind without thinking. And here I am after a few months, I'm coming back to him again, and this time I'm not going to get away from that path because I know that there is no life without him