PLEASE, brothers and sisters. It's currently 12:42am. I would urgently ask you to pray for me regarding isolation. A cycle of isolation from the body of Christ.
Every time I get close to someone, l panic and feel like I want to retrieve and isolate.
And then I make stuff happen intentionally (using silent treatment, responding harshly to what they say, stubbornly refusing to answer questions, or answering back rudely) so that I can have a reason or excuse to isolate. Then, I can be like "See, now it makes sense to isolate because I caused this and this."
Usually the things that I do are things that hurt the other person, in hopes that they would too, feel like backing away from me so that it becomes a mutual thing. If I intentionally hurt them and it causes them to feel like backing away from me, it not only makes it easier for me to isolate, but it places a reason behind the isolation, even if it's not good.

Then, I'm able to back it up with that reason.
But in reality, I hate it. I hate it so much because it prevents me from forming intimate relationships (whether friends or otherwise)
Due to the fact that it prevents me from forming intimate relationships, I then stop trying to form relationships (friends or otherwise) with others. It's a cycle that repeats itself. When someone gets too close to me, I panic and create a heavy, intentional and hurtful escape route so that I can leave.
Please pray against this and for healing. I prayed a prayer a few months ago and I was in tears: "Lord, the online group l'm in is noisy. I want a smaller group of people where I can be comfortable around them and where we can build one another up. I want it to be just two or three people and an online place where I can learn a lot about You."

Well... fast forward and I'm in an online group of people, very small (about 5 people) and only 2 have gathered together consistently.
We've gotten close to each other, specifically one person who has been such a blessing in helping me understand and process a lot of things. We carry each other's burdens and help each other. I had a dream earlier in the friendship of this person and me walking side by side in white clothes. In all the dreams this person is in, they're wearing white clothes.
Well... guess what? We've gotten along so well and our conversations have been so deep via public voice chat that now I'm feeling the cycle repeat itself. I'm feeling that backing away again. I just tried the silent treatment with this person and giving them basic one-word responses. They said "You give what you get. Soon my responses might get shorter too."

I HATE ISOLATION SO MUCH. SO FAR, IT HAS REPEATED THE SAME EXACT CYCLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN 3 TIMES, AND ALL OF THE FRIENDSHIPS ENDED WITH ME ISOLATING, COMING BACK, AND THE PERSON LOSING TRUST IN ME ON TOP OF ME FEELING SHAME FOR EVEN ISOLATING.
I WANT IT TO END WITH THIS PERSON, HERE. BECAUSE FOR WHATEVER REASON, ISOLATING FROM THIS PARTICULAR PERSON FEELS ILLEGAL. AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE I'LL GET BEFORE GOD GIVES ME TO MY OWN DESIRES. I AM ALSO NOT PURSUING A SIN.
THE REASON IS FEAR OF VULNERABILITY AND SELF-SABOTAGE, MAYBE EVEN THE COMFORT OF ISOLATION. BUT I GUESS ISOLATION IN ITSELF IS A SIN BECAUSE I'M GOING AGAINST SCRIPTURE. IF THE LORD IS USING THIS PERSON FOR HEALING, THEN OUCH, IT HURTS TO HAVE HEALTHY COMMUNITY, BUT I PRAY GOD LETS IT BE IF IT MEANS STOPPING THIS CYCLE.

Thank you for your prayers and may God bless you.