i need help and sorry in advance for how long this is gonna be but i need help because i feel like im not ready to start my journey with Christ but i forced myself to repent and it was heartfelt but deep down i know im not ready and i know im really not gonna make any changes and it gnaws at me. not a day goes by where i don’t think about religion and how i know i need to get right but i just can’t or frankly dont want to, i feel so torn because im only 15 and i want my soul to be saved but i also know that whats stemming this is fear of hell and not genuine love but i also do love God and Jesus and i know i do because deep down i want to hug Jesus and listen to him and listen to his problems and i want to get to heaven but i don’t know if im just convincing myself of this or if it’s genuine and i also have been struggling with health and death anxiety and i feel like im so lost, i feel like theres so many interpretations of the bible and its teaching and im confused in so many areas like about music and things like that and i feel like theres so much i cant do when i start getting serious about this and i know im young but im so scared of Jesus coming back and i haven’t been able to change my mindset and ive prayed about this but i feel like im not trusting enough and i feel like im not equipped for this yet and i feel like i regret repenting because i know im going to continue my sinful lifestyle because to be honest i dont want to change yet i dont have that desire but i keep seeing these videos about how Jesus is coming back soon and im so scared. i feel so lost. i feel like i need to just take a step back from religion and everything and just relax for a while but im scared that if i do that ill be committing blasphemy because i know part of that reason i want to step back is to sin without guilt and i hate it or atleast i think i do i feel like im overthinking everything like overthinking what im feeling and i feel disconnected from myself emotionally anyway and i also just want to be a teenager and just be carefree i feel like i would rather just wait until im an adult to sort this all out because i just wanna enjoy the things i do and i feel shame because im very lustful, i roleplay sexually with ai bots i pleasure myself pretty much everyday, i’m angry all the time, i disrespect my mother, and i feel like i constantly make excuses for myself to avoid accountability and i lie so much. i fantasize about being a boy sometimes and im scared that all of these things are going to earn me a ticket to hell and my biggest fear is taking a break from religion and Jesus coming back and me not having enough time to get right and i know i should know i just honestly don’t want to, i want to continue living comfortably in my sin and i need help i need to know if this is blasphemy and if i will be sent to hell im just so confused i feel like i have so much to learn and i feel like i regret putting this pressure on myself because im a very impatient person so i expect myself to just change everything now and im more anxious than before and i honestly wish i didnt repent so i didnt put this pressure on myself because now im like what do i do? am i allowed to enjoy the music i like? am i allowed to watch youtube? what’s based sin? what’s not? i enjoy making scenarios i enjoy genshin impact i enjoy anime and now im questioning are these putting idols above God? i also question my belief because i don’t feel it deep in my heart like yeah i say i believe Jesus died on the cross but i don’t really truly feel it in my heart like i feel disconnected most of the time and my anxiety spiraled so bad that i was questioning my religion and i was bordering on becoming an atheist and that scared me because i can’t imagine living a life without religion and i honestly don’t know if it’s because i love God so much i can’t live without him or if i was just scared to leave what im comfortable with and i feel so lost and i feel like i don’t want to worry about this and i know i must sound like a broken record but it’s just my thoughts are all scrambled right now sorry i just i need someone to tell me it’s okay if i just wait a few years till im older and more equipped to handle this? there’s so much more i want to say but im gonna cut it off here but ill likely make another post with everything else that’s bothering me i just need someone to tell me that its alright if i just take a step back for a while because right now i cant handle this