I have a lot going on in my life, i struggle to bear fruit, i struggle with sin, and i am trying to seek God with all of my heart. God says that i am a zombie a walking dead, despite me trying my best to seek him. This resulted in me thinking that my efforts are not enough for God and that he will never love me the same way he loves his children. I dated a girl that I wasn't supposed to date because i thought to myself "God doesn't care anyway about my efforts, I've repented of my sins though am still struggling with sin i am trying my best" and now i can't bring it to myself to break up with her i don't wanna break her heart, i know what it's like to hear those words "it's not working out, or its over". A few days ago i tried to test her to see if she'll say that it wasn't gonna work out for her, i asked her do you really think it'll work out, and she said your scaring me, those very words made me be more scared to break up with her. And as for my relationship with God i continue to seek him in prayer, ny prayer life is strong, but mg devotion to the word isn't much strong due to collage. But i make an effort to deny myself even though i feel the flesh fighting against me praying and seeking God i still push and win over it's temptations. This all started when i ram from God because of what i thought he called me to do, i saw the number 3 and thought he wanted me to fast for three days, this happened many times fasting for three days and only getting two to three or four days break then fasting for three days again, the amount of those fastings were up to 5 to 4 times, and then what i thought was a call to 8 day fast after that. After doing my 8 day fast i ran, i couldn't take it anymore. Until last of last month when i decided to seek him again and I've been struggling with fear and anxiety of fasting ever since. from that time to now i still see the number 3 and i fear all the time thinking he's putting me through it again, last nighf i prayed to God and said "since you say i am a zombie i accept your words, i know that the rapture is only a few days aways and i accept being left behind it's fine i tried with all my heart yet its not enough for you, though i accept that you will leave me in the rapture, i still want a relationship with you, i can't without you in this life i was made to need and worship you and i do". I could guve up and go back to the world and live in my sins buf i just can't bring myself to do it, i dont have the strength to go back to my sins, it's a very odd thing because its usually the other way around.